The Lacus or the Tiger
by Colette Irving
Summary: After he commits a serious crime, the choice between two doors will decide Kira Yamato's destiny  pun intended . AU crackfic, probably best enjoyed after alcohol consumption.


Author's Note: This is a spoof of Frank R. Stockton's short story _The Lady or the Tiger_. While reading the original story might make my fanfic make a _little_ more comprehensible, you still probably won't be able to make sense out of the fanfic as a whole.

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**The Lacus or the Tiger**

Once upon a time there was a horribly racist king who thought all Coordinators should burn in hell. Every time a Coordinator entered the king's field of view, he would have them arrested for not being more aesthetically pleasing. Upon being arrested, the Coordinator would have to spend five days in a dungeon, tied to a chair and forced to watch loops of Kujibiki Unblance (the twelve-episode version, not the OVA) interspersed with Clannad death scenes. After these five days were up, he would be taken to a coliseum, where fate would decide whether he lived or died. See, in this coliseum, the Coordinator would have to open one of two doors. Behind one door was a beautiful bride for the Coordinator to marry; behind the other was a beast so horrid and terrifying that the audience didn't dare watch as it ripped the criminal to shreds, leaving oceans of blood all over the coliseum.

One day, the king learned that his daughter Fllay was sleeping with a Coordinator named Kira Yamato. Needless to say, he was livid. Kira was immediately thrown into the dungeon, and because he had committed a particularly unforgivable action, he was forced to stay there for ten days instead of five. Fllay, however, was not punished because her daddy loved her so much. Or at least she wasn't punished _knowingly_.

The thing is, Fllay used sex to get information out of people, so she knew not only which door held the bride, but also the bride's identity. The princess wouldn't normally be upset to see Kira marry another woman; she hadn't had a very serious relationship with him anyhow. But the bride was no ordinary Natural woman. She was Lacus Clyne, the famous pink-haired Coordinator idol singer. And if there was one thing Fllay hated more than Coordinators whose names didn't rhyme with Schmira Schmamato, it was singing pink-haired Coordinators whose names didn't rhyme with Schmira Schmamato. Not to mention Lacus was a nice person, which was a no-no in Fllay's book. But none of that mattered, because Fllay had a plan.

As Kira approached the two ominous doors, Fllay jerked her head to her left. It was not subtle at all, but the audience was too stupid to realize what she was doing. Because he was an idiot, Kira trusted Fllay's advice and opened the left door, and out came…

A pink ball of cuteness?

"Hello, hello!"

"What the heck is that?" Kira exclaimed.

"IN-DIG-_NAY_-SHUN!" replied the audience.

Fllay stood up angrily and let out a string of curses unfit for a T-rated story. "That was supposed to be ferocious beast! Why the hell isn't it killing him?"

The right door opened, revealing a wedding gown-clad Lacus. "Oh, he is ferocious," she said sweetly. "Aren't you, Pink-chan?"

"Ferocious, ferocious!" the Haro agreed. He then flapped his little ears or wings or whatever they were and flew over to Fllay. To prove is ferocity, he began bouncing up and down on top of the princess's head, which may not sound like a big deal, but was actually quite painful.

Fllay fainted, to which the spectators responded by singing a round of 'Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead.'

Meanwhile, a very confused and overwhelmed Kira Yamato was in the fetal position, crying like a baby, but no one cared because they were too distracted by Pink-chan's awesomeness.

THE END.

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Disclaimer: I am not in any way affiliated with Gundam SEED, The Lady or the Tiger, Kujibiki Unbalance, Clannad, Tales of Phantasia, The Wizard of Oz, or any other works which I referenced and/or brutally slaughtered, nor do I claim that this is a remotely decent piece of literature.


End file.
